Desperately Seeking Someone?
- Brian Lehaney
- Dec 14, 2016
- 6 min read
Desperately Seeking Someone?
How Relationships Really Work – And How They Don’t
A Handbook for Thirty-somethings and above
Contents
Introduction
Some Decision-making Tools
Including the Line of Happiness and the F-Factor
Meeting Someone
How it Develops in the Early Stages – and How it Doesn’t
What Happens after You have Had Sex?
Assuming you Keep Seeing Each Other
Deciding it is a Real Relationship – or Not
Being in a Real Relationship
Relationships and the Other Parts of Your Life
Ending Relationships
Conclusions
1 Introduction
This book has been written for all those people of a ‘certain age’ who wonder why they have not found the right relationship just yet, and who may be wondering if such a thing exists. These questions can occur to any of us, whatever age we are or whatever gender we happen to be. We can all feel vulnerable (including the men out there!) and we each express that vulnerability in different ways.
This book cannot provide you with the solutions that are right for you. Only you can do that. If you read it this book, act upon the ideas and the questions posed, and you really consider your life as something serious that is worth real thought and real effort, you can take charge of what is going on and you can begin to provide your own answers.
Most of us tend to feel we would be happier, less vulnerable, more complete and so on, if we had someone in our life that complemented our own character, and who generally made us feel more positive. Many of us have experienced the pleasure, the sensuality, the hope, and the sheer delight of really feeling alive when we have met someone special. We have also experienced the down side of that, when what was once a huge positive contribution to our lives, later, somehow changed to negativity, sourness, and something we would not have chosen to get into had we not drifted there.
The last paragraph is very important. If you look back at relationships you have had, think realistically how much of the whole time you felt that the overall thing really was positive for your life, and how much of the time you now feel, on reflection, that the other person actually made a negative contribution to you. How many times have you extended a relationship beyond its ‘sell by date’ and how many times did all your efforts in extending it come to no good, with the whole thing turning sour?
Within this book, issues such as the following will be addressed.
Making clear the distinction between what really exists as opposed to what you want to exist.
Making clear the distinction between enjoyable company and real friendship.
Understanding that being friends and being on friendly terms are not the same things.
Dealing with challenging questions, such as should you accept lust and not be frightened of it because of religious or social conditioning?
Understanding what the word ‘relationship’ really means to you and to others.
Understanding what the word commitment means to you and to others.
Realising the need for clarity of thought and clarity of expression.
Realising that what you mean by the words x or y are not necessarily what other people mean.
Understanding the dangers of making assumptions about shared understanding.
Incorporating emotions into decision making but making decisions with your head and not with your heart.
Taking charge as opposed to just drifting.
Learning management terms like organisation, planning and leading.
Recognising that respecting yourself is a necessary (but not sufficient) condition for others to respect you.
Understanding why people once stayed together because of pressures (economic, family, religious, social) and the difference between that and the freedom to choose that exists in today’s world.
Viewing yourself as being at least as important as a business that you would run, and acting accordingly.
Understanding the meanings of solution and resolution.
Appreciating what it means to satisfice (combining satisfy and suffice).
Deciding if satisficing is for you.
Recognising It is not your partner’s fault if you have decided to satisfice and are not happy as a result of your decision.
Realising it is your choices that make you happy or unhappy.
Learning about the Line of Happiness and the F-Factor and how they can help you in decision-making.
Don’t we already know what the words commitment and relationship mean? Surely we all know and don’t need to discuss these things? Surprise, surprise! We do not all share the same understandings of words, and especially those words. If you do not surface these issues you will carry on assuming. Why assume? Generally there are two reasons: ignorance and fear. The first, ignorance, is because you were unaware that people may think differently from you. That excuse is now gone; and you now do know. The second, fear, is because you do know someone may think differently from you and you are scared to confirm it. It is the ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ approach. It is the approach that has been taken by many women whose husbands have had affairs or whose husbands beat them. They pretend it does not happen. Harsh statement? Yes. Untrue statement? No.
You may already recognise at least some of the issues above. You may feel you wish to explore further. You may feel that this is all too complex, really a lot of effort, and you can’t be bothered. Maybe you feel you are not worth that effort? If you feel that, why should anyone else feel any different? Why should anyone value you, respect you or treat you decently? If you do not respect yourself why should anyone else respect you?
Assuming that you wish to treat yourself as someone you respect and value, how do you recruit and select your potential partner? By the way, notice the business-like terminology ‘recruit and select’. You may be thinking ‘I don’t like this, it is too analytical, too cold, too clinical, and isn’t love supposed to be all about feeling good and it just happening?’ This is an excellent question. Where has that approach got you so far and why are you reading this book? The reason is, you want to change! In fact you may think it is all the fault of previous partners, not your fault at all, and if only you found the right partner it would all be ok. Who chose those partners? You know it makes sense to change because you know that what you have been doing so far does not really work. It is a bit like being spontaneous on holiday. If you have a well-planned and well organised holiday, you might, for example, take things with you for different circumstances. You may have a list of things to do if the weather takes a turn for the worse. That does not constrain you fr0mbeing spontaneous! It actually puts you in a much better position to be spontaneous!
Despite it making sense, maybe you do not want to change. Maybe you want everything to happen mysteriously and magically and turn out just right, with no real effort from you. You may want the world to change around you. Here is The News! None of those things is going to happen, so wake up, smell the coffee, and decide if you want your life to be different or if you want to carry on exactly as you were. Take the easy option if you wish, but it is now too late for you to say you don’t realise the consequences of that. You have read too far. You know that the easy option will give you exactly what you have had so far, and you picked up this book because you are not satisfied with that.
Meeting people in the first instance is a major challenge. In today’s world, traditional methods of meeting new people via friends, parties, clubs, bars, and so on, still exist. Double standards also exist, and it is still not necessarily an easy thing for a woman to go into a bar alone. The Internet is full of dating sites. Of course it is not face-to-face, profiles may not be as accurate as they should be, and pictures may be of a much younger and slimmer version of the person concerned. Some people view using the Internet this way as sleazy and unsafe but in fact Internet dating sites offer a safe way to peruse potential dates. It is only physical meeting or releasing of personal details such as your address that could be potentially unsafe. How do you filter? How do you meet safely? These issues are identical, whether you first come across someone on the Internet, or meet the person through friends or any other way. In fact, meeting someone through friends may offer a false sense of safety. It may also create all sorts of challenges in regard to relationship handling. In this case the term ‘relationship’ is being used to mean your interactions with friends as well as your interactions with a romantic partner.
All of the above, and more, will be discussed in this book, including tools to aid thinking and decision-making, such as the Line of Happiness and the F-Factor. Such tools can assist you, but they cannot make your decisions for you. Hopefully the book will make a positive difference to your life and perhaps help you meet that special person or manage an existing relationship more satisfactorily. It may also help you decide that you are special and deserve to be treated that way.
It may help you to feel special enough to be on your own and not accept someone entering your life just because you would rather be with someone than with no one.
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